422 - Curriculum in Cyclical Conflict
by MetaUsername
Summary: Troy & Britta take a creative writing class to round out their arts education. They can tell a pretty mean story, but are they able to tell each other "I love you" ? Jeff is invited to a bonfire bash outside of town. It's the perfect way to celebrate his impending graduation. Pierce, seeking to connect with Jeffrey, has a couple of surprises in store for him.
1. Cold Open - Boomer, Blind Cat, Bonfire

FADE IN - INT. STUDY ROOM - DAY

PIERCE  
And so the hack goes… _"Punchline!"_

The joke legitimately elicits a lukewarm chuckle from the STUDY GROUP, which turns into shock, then amazement. JEFF is speechless, vaguely upset.

BRITTA  
Wow, Pierce! Was that your first ever non-racist, non-homophobic, _non-Pierce_ joke?

ABED  
Mmm, nice.

SHIRLEY  
(reaches her hand out)  
More importantly… it was actually kinda _funny!_

ANNIE  
 _So_ proud of you!

Annie and Shirley giggle excitedly to each other.

TROY  
Yeah, I might have to use that in my creative writing class with Britta.

PIERCE  
Now, now, I know it's in your nature to steal Troy, but you're plenty funny on your own. Remember when you and Lesbian did that gay fufu dance first year?

Pierce wheezes. Jeff relaxes.

JEFF  
There it is.

TROY  
(defensive)  
That wasn't a joke– and it was the furthest thing from gay, Pierce! Me and Britta were all over each other!

Troy looks to Britta for backup.

BRITTA  
Troy revealed his manhood that day.

JEFF  
I'll say. Those leotards don't leave much up to the imagination.

Pierce gags. The Girls blush. Troy & Abed slap hands.

BRITTA  
Being funny is beside the point, anyways. Creative writing is about expressing our inner human truths through the ancient power of story.

Britta smugly holds up a Monomyth diagram. It's upside-down.

JEFF  
Yeah, _human_ truths Britta. Not twenty garbled pages about your one-eyed cat getting bullied by the others in an alley.

BRITTA  
But they took his other eye and gave him feline AIDS! The tragedy needs to be told!

JEFF  
(finishes a text and rises from his seat)  
Well now I'm in desperate need of some brain bleach. Thanks, Britta. (to group) _Fortunately,_ I've got a smoking hot–

ANNIE  
Catch to date?

JEFF  
It's good to know my sexual activity is the first thought on your mind, Annie…

Annie & Britta roll their eyes.

JEFF  
But I have a literally smoking hot night ahead of me as _I_ have been invited to a summer bonfire just outside town.  
(wistful pause)  
...Scotch on the lake with half-naked redheads... Can you think of any better way to celebrate our upcoming graduation?

ABED  
College movie marathon.

SHIRLEY  
A nice family dinner!

ANNIE  
Prepping for exams with your _friends_?

PIERCE  
(rises to join Jeff)  
Ah, these girls just don't understand, Jeffrey.  
(to group)  
After every conquest, a _real_ man…

Pierce looks pointedly at Troy. Troy crosses his arms.

PIERCE  
…must purge what remains of his pent-up energy in an explosive, Hedonistic Bacchanal!

Jeff cocks his head. The words sound strangely familiar.

PIERCE  
And four years at Greendale is a _lot_ to purge.

Pierce rests a hand on Jeff's shoulder.

PIERCE  
Whaddya say we take my Roadster over, huh? We could drive in shifts! This big ole bear can't help but get a little sleepy this late in the evening.

ABED  
It's 3PM.

PIERCE  
Sorry, A-bed. You can't come. (approaches A-bed) I'm worried the sight of these itsy titsy weeny peeny kibinis would _shatter_ your already-damaged, sensitive Moslem mind. We can't risk you snapping mid-orgy and attempting to decapitate these lusty co-eds like goats, can we?

Troy, mouth agape, pencil and notebook in hand, is transfixed in transcribing the lecherous insanity spilling from Pierce's mouth.

PIERCE  
(condescending chuckle) No, I'm afraid this is a classic wet slop American adventure reserved for the two hardy American leaders of this group.

Pierce returns to Jeff, arms outstretched.

PIERCE  
Like father and son.

Jeff is speechless, overtly upset.

ABED  
Oh, like Martin Sheen and Charl–

JEFF  
Zip it, Emilio.

Abed dampens, then pumps his fist discreetly. _Emilio._ Troy nods, mouthing the word ' _Nice'_ to Abed.

BRITTA  
Nah, we've been over this, Abed. Jeff is totally Edible.

JEFF  
For the first and last time ever Britta, you're actually slightly right about something: I _do_ want to kill Pierce.  
(to Pierce)  
But you are nothing like my father. You're just nothing. Goodbye.

Jeff goes for the door.

SHIRLEY  
(can't help being a mom)  
Bye! Be safe, Jeffrey!

Jeff unspools a line of condoms for display as he walks away.

Shirley and Annie cringe, shaking their heads.

Britta, alarmed, checks her purse.

BRITTA  
HEY!

[END OF COLD OPEN]

[OPENING CREDITS]


	2. The L Word: Lying

FADE IN – INT. STUDY ROOM – AN HOUR LATER

The Study Group packs up for the day. Britta approaches Troy.

BRITTA  
Am I still coming over to write with you? I can't wait to read what you've got so far.

TROY  
Yeah, I can't wait either. _Troy & Abed Do Uranus_ 2 is a page-turner.

Britta smiles.

BRITTA  
See you at 7...

TROY & BRITTA SIMULTANEOUSLY  
I lo-

Troy's eyes widen.

TROY  
...I...  
...lll- _licked_...  
...a month-old tube of cookie dough this morning...?

BRITTA  
Again?

TROY  
Yeah… I gotta stop leaving them out like that. Um, what were you going to say?

BRITTA  
Oh! Uhhh… I was just saying that I, uh, _left_ … my Walkman at your place last night. And I just wanted… to remind you… to remind _me_ … to grab it before I leave.

TROY  
Right! Your Disc-Man. I _totally_ didn't break it in a game of Extreme Musical Frisbee…

BRITTA  
What was that?

TROY  
Your music! Abed couldn't stop me from listening!

Britta kisses Troy.

BRITTA  
7 O'Clock.

Exeunt Troy. Britta smacks her tongue. There's an after-taste. Sour cookie dough.


	3. Bone-Fire of the Vanities

EXT. – BEACH BONFIRE– EVENING

Gorgeous half-naked demi-Gods frolic raucously in a hurricane of liquor and games.

MAGNITUDE  
POP-POP!

The Mystery Girl who Jeff flirted with in Nurse Jackie's room (see S2E3 – _The Psychology of Letting Go – TIMESTAMP 6:24 [Trivia: She is actually played by Alison Brie's Stand-In])_ is there and she's eyeing somebody up. It's that magnificent bastard, Jeff Winger. The contours of his taut torso ripple in the dusky light of this summer evening.

Winger meets her gaze and struts over, brandishing his trademark Shit-Eating Grin.

JEFF  
Excuse me. I think I've lost myself _In A Midsummer Night's Dream._ They told me I'd come across a Fairy Queen whose beauty is otherworldly?

DEAN PELTON  
Hiii!

Dean Pelton careens over towards Jeff, tipsy yet power-walking in a way that drips with sex, draped in magenta chiffon and doused in glitter. Mystery Girl scatters.

JEFF  
 _Dean!?_ What the hell are you doing here?

DEAN PELTON  
It's _after hours,_ Jeffrey. You know you can call me Craig.

Craig squeezes Jeff's bicep.

JEFF  
You didn't answer the question, _Dean_. This is a private event. Why are you trespassing?

CRAIG PELTON  
 _Ouch,_ Jeffrey! That stings.

Craig pulls in closer, growling.

CRAIG PELTON  
Lucky for you, I _luv_ the pain.

Jeff robotically seizes Craig by the shoulders and forklifts him into the air. Craig's eyes are closed shut, his lip quivering. Jeff extends his arms and plops Craig down again, creating a wide gap between them.

JEFF  
Last try, _Craig._

CRAIG PELTON  
 _I'll have you know_ , Pierce invited me as a bribe to get out of academic suspension. Normally I'd refuse out of integrity, but it's been a _looong_ semester and I need to…

Craig reaches out to caress Jeff, but his arms are too short to close the gap between them. He weakly paws the air like a sick cat.

CRAIG  
 _Decompress…_

JEFF  
You were invited by someone who wasn't invited? That makes you twice-removed from the party like some kind of embarrassing, socially-retarded ghost.

Jeff swivels his head frantically, then leans in, hissing:

JEFF  
 _I can't be seen with you._

He sees the open bar, stiffens his neck on target, and beelines. Craig stumbles after him like a tranquilized leopard.

JEFF  
I'm serious. You might as well be Leonard or Star-Burns.

CRAIG  
Nonsense, Pierce would never invite those two. You don't get along with them. After all, he wanted this to be a special night for you.

JEFF  
Why do you keep talking about Pierce as if he has any say in these matters? He's a senile, deranged, impotent old coot. He barely has the power to wipe his own ass.

CRAIG  
Jeff... This is _his_ party.

Sickening terror jolts every fiber in Jeff's body, constricting his muscles. Craig bites his lip, clearly enjoying the show.

JEFF  
 _What!?_

CRAIG  
Yesss. This is his beach-house. Didn't you read the invitation card?

Craig whips out said invitation card. It reads: _"BONE-FIRE OF THE VANITIES: A SCINTILLATING SATURNALIAN EXORCISM HOSTED BY MAGNUM P. BURNS."_

CRAIG  
Who else would use an alias like that?  
(giggle)  
The 'P' stands for–

JEFF  
I know what it means!

CRAIG  
Well I was going to say 'Power' but I like where your mind's at Jeffrey…

Craig pounces but Jeff pushes his face back until he's caught up and swept away by the rushing current of partygoers.

Jeff's brow furrows as he calculates his next move. Behind him, a pair of ghoulishly pale hands emerge from the darkness and clamp down on Jeff's shoulders.

PIERCE  
You made it, Jeffrey my boy! Let's get you that scotch. Macallan?

JEFF  
You read my mind.

PIERCE  
Ah, well, I'd like to think this _old coot_ still has a couple tricks to teach you kids.

Pierce tries to subtly brush what's left of his hair back to remove his Ear-Noculars, but the mangled claw that is his elderly hand shovels it off its seat and into a woman's drink.

PIERCE  
Watch it, lady!

JEFF  
(to the barman)  
Make it a double Macallan.


End file.
